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SOS Monthly October 2004 |
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October is the month of masquerade. In this issue we look at why women feel the need to stifle or change their voices/behaviors to fit in with a world, culture, group, etc. that they had little or no input into creating. If this issue makes you angry, great! If it makes you want to shout out, even better. And for those of you who want to shout out, scroll on down to the “Looking for Your Story” section. I am working on a book, written by women for women like them, which inspires readers to find, set free and embrace their true voice. I’ve already got some really cool women signed up to contribute, how about telling your story too? First, let me share a quote from Ashlee Simpson’s latest hit, “Shadow”. Yes, I really am quoting Ashlee Simpson.
(Many of you find it hard to believe that I’m quoting Ashlee Simpson. Those of you who’ve seen me lip synch to the Backstreet Boys and MC Hammer will know better.) Many of my clients are living exactly as Ms. Simpson described: in the shadow of someone else’s dream. Or according to expectations others put on her. Or behind a mask she thought she had to wear to be successful. Have you ever been in a situation where your gut leads you in a different direction than everyone else, but you went along with the group just to fit in? It happens all the time. Entrepreneurs follow advice of investors, who aren’t nearly as invested in the success of the business as the founder. Could this be why so many new businesses fail? New students follow the rules of the popular kids, just so they don’t stand out at their new school. Could this be why many kids suddenly stop doing activities they enjoyed/were good at? Women executives feel the need to follow some rules made up by the male-dominated corporate culture, because someone told them they had to in order to be successful (See Wall Street Journal article in the sidebar. Thanks to my colleague, Kay Malone, for finding it.). Could this be why many companies have trouble achieving their goals? While the bullets above may not be the direct causes of failure or disappointment, they certainly do not help to set the stage for success. This is not merely about making sure everyone feels heard. It’s about something more basic: making sure everyone is speaking in his or her true voice. Now you may be thinking, “What the heck is my true voice? I’ve got one voice I use at work, another voice I use with my kids, a third voice I use with my friends, and a completely different voice I use with my spouse or partner.” I argue that if that’s the case for you, you’re wasting your energy. Once you find your true voice and start letting it out on a regular basis, you’ll find great and wonderful things begin to happen. For example, when I first started my practice, I wrote my marketing materials in the voice that the “experts” told me to. (All these experts are white men, by the way.) Lo and behold, I had trouble attracting clients. As soon as I rewrote everything in my true voice, which reflects my true passion and mission for what I do, my practice started filling up! Divine coincidence? I don’t think so. So how do you find your true voice? Here are the easy-to-follow steps:
The currently much-beleaguered Ms. Simpson changes her refrain at the end:
Now this may sound a bit selfish (see September’s SOS Monthly), but… Being your best and truest you is the best goal anyone can have. So, rip off the mask and come blasting out of the shadow! Let the world see who you really are! |
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Women Executives at
a Disadvantage
Since the culture at most
companies has been shaped
over time by male executives,
women are at a disadvantage
when it comes to gender-
based differences in
communication styles.
A report, "Women and Men
in U.S. Corporate Leadership:
Same Workplace, Different
Realities?", by Catalyst, a
New York-based nonprofit,
found that 81% of women
said that "adopting a style
with which male managers
are comfortable" is an
important or very important
strategy to advance one's career.
Communication styles rooted
in childhood training or
unconscious beliefs can be
tough to change. A first step
is becoming aware of how
you talk at work. Here are
some pitfalls that women
especially can encounter in
the workplace:
--using too many words to
deliver serious messages
--downplaying your
contributions
--using vague language
--phrasing statements as
questions
--using an upward inflection
at the end of statements,
which indicates doubt.
Working with an executive
coach can help you to be
clear on the communication
style at your level within the
company and to confidently
practice this style so you
will be heard at work.
Source: The Wall Street
Journal, Oct. 19, 2004
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We all read (and have read) tons of books which tell us how to gain confidence in our abilities. Unfortunately, most of these books are written by people who are not like us at all. These authors may be pushing their other services/seminars/books (not really cool). Or they might be from academia (not usually powerful). And while they may be intelligent, an awful lot of them are men (not women). We need to know we’re not alone in our efforts to lead our lives vs. simply live our lives. This book includes stories from women just like you. Women who have spent much of their lives living someone else’s story, and finally got fed up. They became tired of their real self’s nagging at them all the time. In some cases they simply gave up and let their real self out. In other cases they were very disciplined in identifying their real self and creating a detailed plan to set her free. Most other books have taught us to place responsibility for our success with someone or something else (our inner child, the goddess, the system, whatever else the author is selling). These stories will show us that once you take the bold step of owning who you really are and what you really want—once you become the leader of your life—you’ll uncover that inner superhero (or fish, or rock star) and start attracting everything you ever wanted. If you’d like to share your own story, or know of someone whose story would make a great addition to this book, please let me know. There are several ways you can try out your new, true voice. I hope you take advantage of at least one. Visit my blog, Creating An Ideal Life While Wearing a Tiara (http://barbarabellissimo.blogspot.com), and check it out. It’s my practice spot for my true voice, and you’re welcome to join in and comment on any and all postings. The SOS Forum (http://www.seasonsofsuccess.com/forum) is a terrific place to listen to some true voices, and exercise your own. Check out the full range of individual and group services available at Seasons of Success (http://www.seasonsofsuccess.com/services.html). The mission of SOS Monthly is to inspire and empower you to lead the big life you deserve. Comments, feedback and ideas for stories are always welcome. Also, please feel free to forward this along to anyone who might be interested and/or benefit from its contents. All story ideas, comments and suggestions are most welcome. Send your input to newsletter@seasonsofsuccess.com.
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“Shadow” lyrics ©2004 by the authors and Ashlee Simpson. All other content ©2004 by Barbara Bellissimo. All rights reserved.
Barbara Bellissimo Life Transformation Agent Seasons of Success P.O. Box 1303 West Tisbury, MA 02575 1.508.696.4647
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